We all know the importance of soil carbon and how gardening the right way can increase the soil carbon. But did you know the best gardeners are now able to convert that soil carbon into diamonds?

This news comes following the publication of a research paper funded by a certain African diamond conglomerate. I guess they wanted to be every gardening girls best friend.

The “Science” Behind It

This breakthrough comes courtesy of Dr. Esmeralda Carboni, a leading researcher in geobotany (the study of plants and gemstones). Dr. Carbonis research has delved into how to convert soil carbon into diamonds when grown in the presence of certain plants that have been grown from GMO seeds.

The genetically modified seeds contain a special enhancement. They can utilize the abundant carbon present in healthy soil, transforming it under ideal growing conditions into tiny, edible diamonds within the vegetable!

The Benefits

Though the seed is much more expensive than conventional seed it has several significant benefits that the advertisers are gearing up to exploit. Here are a few examples of what wil appear in the adverts that are booked to appear online in the next week.

  • Bling on a Budget: Forget expensive jewellery stores! Now you can impress your friends and family with homegrown diamonds at a fraction of the cost (well, maybe not exactly a fraction, but the bragging rights are priceless!).
  • Nutritionally Enhanced: Dr. Carboni assures us these diamonds are completely safe to consume and even boast trace amounts of valuable minerals, adding a whole new superfood to your already healthy homegrown diet.
  • Sparkling Salads: Imagine the awe on your guests’ faces when they pull a glistening diamond out of their next salad! Guaranteed conversation starter.

How to Grow Your Own Diamonds:

  1. Purchase the Exclusive Diamond-Gro™ Seed Kit: Available online only as the source of the seed is classified.
  2. Prepare Your Diamond Patch: Select a sunny location with rich, fertile soil packed with carbon or biochar. A light sprinkling of crushed gemstones apparently speeds the process in the same way that adding yeast to bread makes it rise quicker.
  3. Plant and Nurture: Follow the detailed instructions provided with your kit. They must be exactly followed to keep within guarantee. Remember, patience is a virtue, especially when growing precious stones!
  4. Harvest and Enjoy!: After several months (or years if conditions aren’t absolutely you should start to see tiny, sparkling diamonds forming within your vegetables. Harvest them with care and prepare to be amazed!
  5. Priority Orders. To get on the priority list send a sizeable bribe to me and I’ll ensure to push your order to the top of the queue. the best bribe wins the jackpot. Other bribes will be used to offset the risk to me of sidestepping the normal retail process.

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